seekingmygreaterperhaps

It was a Friday afternoon. In the “Counselors in South America” WhatsApp group, someone had been asking if anyone had any grief resources, and I hadn’t thought much about it. My head of school pulled myself and the other 2 counselors in and asked if anyone had any grief experience. I, unfortunately, do. In my previous school, I have worked on a grief/ crisis support team every single year. I hate when kids die young, and especially when they make that decision for themselves. My head of school asked me if I would be able to go and support an international school in Curitiba who just lost a student and a faculty member. I said yes, of course without a second thought. I am quickly learning that the world is wide, but the international community of educators is small, and when you need help, help is often there.

I went into packing mode, and flew to Curitiba on Sunday. While in the airport, I started to panic a little bit. The school in Curitiba was flying in a grief specialist to help their community… and then I realized that specialist was me. I suffered a major bout of imposter syndrome and began reaching out to my support system to help infuse me with confidence. While listening to some grief podcasts on the flight, I realized I know everything they were saying and I was more ready than I thought.

Then it hit me- this sucks. I don’t want to be a grief specialist. Kids dying is really hard. It’s sad, it’s heavy, and death sucks. It sucks even more when it is done by suicide. Suicide is a really taboo topic, and I am learning that international schools don’t like to talk about suicide. (Let’s be clear, no one likes talking about suicide.) Schools want to label it “mental health awareness” which is a cute name, but not super clear. Research shows that talking about suicide does not lead to people thinking about killing themselves. In fact, it helps people realize that they are allowed to talk about these depressive feelings and find help instead of trying to “fix” it themselves. Suicide prevention must be taught every year in schools. This is part of my ethical responsibility, and it is something I will fight for. Yes, it might get repetitive, and yes, kids get uncomfortable. But every year it helps us as counselors identify students who need help. At Hylton my last year, we had a student complete suicide abruptly and it shook our entire community. Grief teams were called in, and we spent days and months reeling from the effects. The year before, we lost a student to gang violence. The year before, we lost a librarian to cancer. The year before that we lost a student to an overdose. So yeah, I guess I am a grief specialist, against my will.

The first 48 hours were exhausting and mentally draining. I’m not going to get into the details here, confidentiality and such. However, I did get a mini chance to get out and see the city. After work on that Monday, I went on a run (training for an ironman doesn’t stop), and went to a cute city park.

Curitiba is known for their abundance of Capybaras. And I got a kick out of seeing them along the riverbank while I was running. There were babies and others just chilling. The weather was not great, and quite cold in Curitiba, but it was great for me to get out and run and see some nature!

When you deal with highly stressful situations, you need to take care of yourself. I don’t love running. But, I know that exercise reduces stress hormones in the brain. I also ate ice cream, because I love ice cream. It’s all about balance guys.

On my last day as a grief specialist, I was able to go on a bus and see a few sights of Curitiba. I’m glad because I was able to see some cool architecture and I also spent some time at the botanical gardens. Being in nature is a healing balm for me, and I needed a band aid over my heart.

The sun peeked out for about an hour while I was on the bus. The building above is an art museum designed by Oscar Niemeyer, who is famous in Brazil. He also designed much of the buildings in Brasilia, so I felt like I was hanging with my homie.

Overall, I can’t tell you much about the touristy side of Curitiba. The people at the school I worked with were amazing and so gracious. Students are impacted by the death of one of their own, but also teachers hurt. Teachers and staff often feel like they need to be strong, but they aren’t robots. That’s where an outside person coming in is so helpful. They don’t have to be strong in front of me, because we don’t have history. I have never quite felt comfortable calling myself a great counselor… but that week, I felt like I was doing the thing I am equipped to do.

After I got back to school, I had a heart to heart with my FLEX team. This is a group of about 10 students who are in essentially my advisory class. It was such a last minute thing that I left school without telling them why. I explained that I had left to help a school because a student of theirs had completed suicide. It was on my heart to say the following:

I need all of you to know that you matter. Your life is important to me, and you are valued. I need you here, on this planet, and in this life. Please know that you are all truly loved.

Yes, I cried when I told them, and they all got real quiet afterwards. But that was part of my healing too. Teens and kids might feel these sentiments from us, but they need to hear them too. Take care of yourselves my friends.